The "C" Word
Cancer is the awful "C" word that nobody ever wants to talk about. Its not just hurtful to the one that gets diagnosed it tears apart families, relationships and many peoples internal belief system.
One year ago my life changed forever. Something I never foresaw coming. Something that everyone always says "that won't happen to my family". Well it has, and it did and now we will live with the fear and anxiety for an undetermined amount of time.
When my mom was first diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer in July of 2017 there were so many feelings that were incredibly unexpected. First, a whole shitload of anger... and typically misdirected anger at that. Anger at my fiancé (he was the easiest and closest... sorry dear), anger at my dad, my mom (believe it or not), and most of all at God. How dare he let this happen to my perfect mom and my family.
Second, sadness. This would typically be more expected and more understood. My mom has always been my best friend and the strongest person I know. She became a shell of herself for a time.. wrapped up in pain medication and depression she was angry and lashing out... we all were. I wanted my old life back... I still do but am beginning to realize that I will never be getting that back.
Third, grief. This was something I struggled with the most at first. Why was I grieving, nothing bad had realistically happened yet but there was a feeling of things to come... there still is and this is the feeling I still deal with the most out of any of my initial feelings. There was a portion of me that had grief for my old life... and the stages of going through many of these feelings were the typical stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Typical grief wasn't quite right though, it really was anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is an ass kicker. It makes you question everything and makes you feel like a jerk. I was and still am afraid of what was to come. There is a portion of me that needs to prepare because at some moment, whether it be now, in a month, in a year or in ten years.. cancer will take my moms life. The thing is.. for people who haven't been through this journey ( and even some that have) they always say "don't think like that" or "things could get better". Sadly I could think a different way but that doesn't change the reality that my family will have to face at some point and I highly doubt it will change. Medicine is a great thing and has come SO far in the last few years and is definetly to thank for my mom's progress so far. Unfortunately there is no cure for cancer just some more kick ass treatments that will help to prolong life and to minimize symptoms.
I'll leave it there right now. Just remember you aren't alone in feeling anything there is always someone who will get it. I promise =)
One year ago my life changed forever. Something I never foresaw coming. Something that everyone always says "that won't happen to my family". Well it has, and it did and now we will live with the fear and anxiety for an undetermined amount of time.
When my mom was first diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer in July of 2017 there were so many feelings that were incredibly unexpected. First, a whole shitload of anger... and typically misdirected anger at that. Anger at my fiancé (he was the easiest and closest... sorry dear), anger at my dad, my mom (believe it or not), and most of all at God. How dare he let this happen to my perfect mom and my family.
Second, sadness. This would typically be more expected and more understood. My mom has always been my best friend and the strongest person I know. She became a shell of herself for a time.. wrapped up in pain medication and depression she was angry and lashing out... we all were. I wanted my old life back... I still do but am beginning to realize that I will never be getting that back.
Third, grief. This was something I struggled with the most at first. Why was I grieving, nothing bad had realistically happened yet but there was a feeling of things to come... there still is and this is the feeling I still deal with the most out of any of my initial feelings. There was a portion of me that had grief for my old life... and the stages of going through many of these feelings were the typical stages of grief (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Typical grief wasn't quite right though, it really was anticipatory grief. Anticipatory grief is an ass kicker. It makes you question everything and makes you feel like a jerk. I was and still am afraid of what was to come. There is a portion of me that needs to prepare because at some moment, whether it be now, in a month, in a year or in ten years.. cancer will take my moms life. The thing is.. for people who haven't been through this journey ( and even some that have) they always say "don't think like that" or "things could get better". Sadly I could think a different way but that doesn't change the reality that my family will have to face at some point and I highly doubt it will change. Medicine is a great thing and has come SO far in the last few years and is definetly to thank for my mom's progress so far. Unfortunately there is no cure for cancer just some more kick ass treatments that will help to prolong life and to minimize symptoms.
I'll leave it there right now. Just remember you aren't alone in feeling anything there is always someone who will get it. I promise =)
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